Will We Ever Get It Straight?

I doubt it!  So maybe it’s time to celebrate crooked things. How often have we strayed from our intention out of curiosity or stupor or to smell the roses! Maybe, in spite of the fact that “straight is the gate and narrow is the way,” most of us are pretty sure by now that we’re not going to become perfect. What’s more, even if we did manage to squeeze through that narrow aperture from time to time, wasn’t our path pretty crooked from then on?

Let’s think of it another way. Mother Nature never moves in straight lines. She moves in curves and curlicues. Fact is, I love the many crooked trees that are growing everywhere. They look like they’ve fought for survival in a tough world. Like me. Like you. They grow both up and sideways, twisted and curved from battling the wind, the storms, or a gardener’s pruning shears.

And how about those gnarly bushes I passed the other day on the road through the park? Balanced on top of a huge rock, their roots twisted every which way down its side to sink deep into a narrow crevasse at the bottom. How I admire the struggle of those roots down the rocky slope, actively in search of earth so they can nourish themselves, even as their branches reach toward sun and rain.

Every time I see crooked roots and branches, I stop and pay attention. You can see a photo of the tree I walk by every day in Manhattan’s Carl Schurz Park at the top of this page. Static yet dynamic, fixed but moving every which way, such trees tell their life story. Their presence is a history book, just like ours. They grow upwards, yes, always up, but to the sides as well. “That’s me,” I acknowledge, as I move on.

In fact, maybe that’s all of us — reaching upward, trying to better ourselves and our conditions in many ways as we seek nourishment from above, but often forced to move to one side or another just to survive. We are shaped by our longings, by the facts of our lives, and by the force of the elements, including our own elemental desires.

I’m an incorrigible perfectionist, often annoyed at myself for falling short. What’s worse, I also apply the same standard to other people. That’s just not fair! We all fall short. If we were perfect, what an amazing world it would be. But that’s just not real. What we call perfect may be simply our own opinion, based on personal attitudes we’ve gathered during a lifetime of reactions — ours and those of other people who influenced us.

Why not ask yourself, “Does a secret desire to be perfect lurk half-submerged in my unconscious?” If so, you’re like me. I’ll bet even when you succeed, you’re often disappointed. What are your “upward” aims? How many of your big plans succeeded? Was there a heavy price to pay for success when you won? And how often did you accuse yourself when you failed? If you think about it, you might discover more about who you think you are.

What’s hardest for me, personally, is to give up habitual judgmental attitudes. (And I bet everyone’s in trouble on this one, not just me!) I judge other people all the time, as well as criticize mu own performance. More time is needed to reflect and uncover both sides of any problem. As soon as I remember that I’ve been brought up under constant pressure to judge, to compete, and to succeed, I begin to forgive myself and everyone else for being human!

Why not engage actively in questioning, with an alert mind and heart? We could put aside the first reaction, whatever it may be, and think the situation over. For example, when I affirm only one side of the scales of justice, I could call it habit rather than reasoning, and take a moment to contemplate the other side of the equation.

Nevertheless, it’s not easy to discriminate between critical thinking and judgmental attitudes. I start by noticing how annoyed I get at myself and tell myself, “Wait a minute. I want to be me, not some genius, some perfect Doer.” And I try my best to bring along that same thought when I’m criticizing someone else. That way, I gather a lot of useful, Who-am-I? information.

Fact is, from early childhood on, we’ve been influenced by a lot of opinions. We’ve collected them automatically, stuffed them in the closet of the mind, and bring them out whenever they seem appropriate — often when we need a quick point of view to win an argument. Hmmm. How to separate principles from opinions? Why not make one list for the principles, another for the borrowed opinions. Then wonder where they originally came from.

Why do I think all this is so important? Because our efforts to succeed move us away from being who we truly are. For example, instead of self-attack, I could say to myself out loud, “Well maybe there’s a better way, but I’m doing my best, here, on my crooked path. I’ll accept who I am and try again

In other words, let’s give up, just for today, insisting on how things OUGHT to be, and embrace how they really are. And how we are. That’s where real life is!