Staying in Front of the Lack

“Sometimes I go about pitying myself while all the time I am being carried on great wings across the sky.”  Ojibwa song

Do you sometimes wake up to how imperfect you are—not the way you want to be? Maybe you felt jealous when you wanted to feel loving, or lashed out when you wished to be understanding, or said the wrong thing—and on and on, with the endless possibilities for human frailty.

But what to do when you are shocked awake by the sense of failure that often accompanies this? One choice I’ve often made is to bury myself in activity. (Pause a moment to note the power of that term). Another reaction is self-attack. And if you are like me, either way we are fleeing present reality, avoiding the truth of the moment. What if, instead, we chose to stay right there in the discomfort of seeing what is?

“Stay in front of the lack,” urged Jeanne de Salzmann every time we told her we didn’t like what we saw in our thoughts or actions. It is a powerful exercise, instantly available to those who seek greater self-awareness. Stay in the discomfort of seeing what’s going on, rather than fleeing the scene or improving on it. That is the work of becoming present in a nutshell.

Here’s why. The pain you feel is like a fire that burns away what is unreal when, instead of disapproving, ignoring, or criticizing yourself for how you are, you accept the uncertainty, confusion, and mixed messages of the moment.

It’s not easy. In fact, it’s so uncomfortable to stay there that we almost never try. But once again our Body Being can anchor our effort. Turn your attention immediately to whatever physical position you find yourself in without changing it. Remind yourself of how, when you become aware of a slump, you typically pull your shoulders back in an attempt to be super-straight. But what if you decided to stay right there and explore how a slump or super-straight actually feels? Sense the curving back as you slump over, or get inside how the chest feels as you press it forward like a pigeon to straighten up. In other words, let yourself live whatever position you find yourself in.

Now do the same with reactions of self-disapproval. Remain in the discomfort of not liking what you thought or did. Stay in the midst of self-disgust, self-justification, or whatever is going on as you uncover the sensations that are vibrating in every inch of your body.

As you continue to look into the mirror of your thoughts and actions rather than turning away to “be better,” a gradual change in your state will take place. As you bear witness to the discomfort, neither avoiding nor end-gaining in the usual way, a release of mental, emotional, and physical tension will occur all by itself.

You are taking a living snapshot of yourself as you gradually expand your attention to include more of who you are. Check out the three receptive centers through which you process life. What data is your heart gathering? What messages is your body/mind sending out into the world? Say hello to all your body parts while you investigate what thoughts are a-thinking in you, and what emotions express themselves through you.

To stay in front of yourself when you have gone off balance is a high aim. It is similar to the effort of Deep Practice that professional athletes and other top performers use to perfect their skills. Rather than attempting to improve what’s already pretty good by repeating it, they go to the area of most difficulty and work where they tend to stop, or fall down on the job, or give up in despair. They accept that the work is slow, deliberate and awkward, and that it demands complete commitment from an active body and brain. But they know from first-hand experience that it works.

Here’s why: deep practice builds myelin, a sheath which wraps around and insulates your nerve fiber chains to make your living circuitry faster and more accurate. It is behind the growth of both mental and physical skills. While it increases more rapidly in childhood, it is ours to develop all our life long.

For really high skill, you need ten thousand hours of practice—known as the Talent Lock. Neuroscientist Daniel Siegel tells us that this circuitry works three thousand times faster in soccer players. “Deep Practice is the opposite of going to what’s already good and repeating it over and over to make it better,” he explains. “The best athletes go to the area of deficit and work in the hard places!”

That is what we are doing any time we go against the habit of running away from our own truth. As we stay with the impression of how we have lost touch with ourselves, we approach the reality we are living through.

So whenever you discover that your body is tied up in knots, your thoughts running amok, or your reactivity going full blast, stay there and make an effort at Deep Practice. As F. M. Alexander explained to his students, “When you stop doing the wrong thing, the right thing does itself.”